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Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005
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4:59 pm - Writing to reach you...
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I am such a disaster. *L* I didn't actually add any of you to my new journal as I got shy. Some of you have found your way to me and I am very happy. If you thought I only added the people I especially liked and it didn't include you, I am sorry for the impression.
chances are I miss you,
if you miss me too,
go here
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dans_la_reine
I might never reach you kiss,
XX
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 4th, 2005
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9:00 pm - A heart is not judged by how much you love...
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A beginning no matter how sorry is still a step forward.
dans_la_reine
There isn't much there but I finally have some idea of what I want to do with the new space. You're welcome to come join me, please do, please do... if you do not and I think you ought, I will add you my own self.
but by how much you are loved by others kiss,
XX
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(16 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
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11:35 pm - So she said...
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hello *smiles*
I did start a new journal in July but it isn't public, yet. papa_zito was kind to point out I never said a PUBLIC journal will begin in July. I take his word not bothering to go back and check.
Am browsing around your journals until I am ready.
Because I couldn't resist finding out what tonightweride had to say I leave you this to do with as you will
1. Reply to this entry and I will write something random about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your LJ.
sorry I kinda suck kiss,
XX
PS< Late warning my fave kind of question is usually intimate *beams* I want to know what I want to know and that's that. *ggls*
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(70 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
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7:29 am - Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight?...
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Because my Friends List is full of SLUTS-
( Read more... )
Are you sorry we drifted apart kiss,
XX
PS< Point of Entry is to announce new journal coming in July (and to appease those who miss me <3 for persistance. It won't be near so cool as the hype so quit spreading!
PPS< I didn't lose anything, nothing bad happened, my life is sex and candy, I frigging swear.
PPPS< Joseph, I watched Lost In Translation... I must review so we can get into discussion on obviousness and what I consider to be the one grace of the film : )
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(67 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 13th, 2005
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4:47 pm - Coda...
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I'm sorry, I didn't mean to alarm anyone *smiles*. Everything is fine, it is time for a change, an airing out, a fresh place with new colours. I'll friend you as soon as I begin.
the song remains the same kiss,
XX
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| Monday, May 9th, 2005
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9:40 am - And so the story goes...
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the reason for this particular journal has passed. I'll keep it open to comment on your stuff and may open something brand new in the future.
I had a dream kiss,
XX
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| Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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12:19 pm - Remembering kathy...
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The first time I saw you you were surrounded by your friends. I looked up from my spot on the gym floor and Denise said you wanted to borrow my pink sweater for the dance. You looked sweet and so pretty with deep brown eyes, portuguese honey skin, and long dark hair. Of course I had to make you smile.
You loved my green eyes (and I forgot you did until now) and thought I was smart. We wrote love notes, ran laps together in gym class (always so fast in sight of the boys and half-walking it through the woods). I loved your gentle heart and shy smile
you wore a beautiful gold chain and cross around your catholic throat
so did I
we were sweethearts for the while
then you vanished
one school to the next.
Diane and I watch for you kiss,
XX
PS< If you got spammed, sorry, I back-buttoned it. *lifts eyes to the heavens*))
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11:16 am - Let me tell you this...
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Brought to mind by another kiss...
((the first kiss detailed here haddayr))
My sweet Kathy... we would cuddle at parties and kiss and giggle and play with our boy friends and girl friends. It was middle HS years, you know, you get with a gang, it is all nice. One afternoon she pretended to be asleep across the top of an over-stuffed sofa, I danced a strip tease for her peeping eyes and my interest in my yummy body. hehe ((My memory body rocks my current baby-body. SULK-ASS-MOPE I don't want to talk about it, back to yummy.)) Later she said she'd been faking and I had looked really hot. I agreed (rolls eyes)and said I thought she had been awake and it made it sexier for me. ((Oh my god. bold bold.)) A few days days days into the next week she called me and while we talked her voice started to shake. Our conversation was mildly sexual then hotter and she asked me to touch myself.
My first phone sex. Yeah, I know, I seXX it up a notch from the heated kiss but my breasts are stimulated every few hours twenty-four hours a day- my hormones rage. What -do- you want from me? ggls. god damn.
a kiss is just a kiss kiss,
XX
PS< first kiss? first ((ggl)) phone sex?
anyone? anyone?
PPS< Just so it isn't all girl on girl around here ((hehee)) I was talk-purring-it-through with my boyfriend when my dad picked up another phone. It was awful. He said, "What's going on?" before he figured it out ((BLUSH)) and hung up the phone. Yes, we finished. Are you serious? two 17 year olds? I would be worried about the payback my parents mention but I figure my girls will be prim (and never ever have sex, sensual as they may seem to be now, Um... never ever get tummy pierced either). These things skip a generation. *nodnods* It's their offspring we'll have to worry about. haha
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 10th, 2005
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5:50 am - Speaking of fear...
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XX (05:42 AM) :
Ohhhhh, I wish you were here. I'm all freaked out! *ggls* okay, possibly not a draw for you. But it's about a movie. shiver I thought I could watch it because I've seen it before but when the bad parts started to climb the peak I ran away. shivershiver
Message was sent. User is Offline.
The message will be delivered when user goes Online.
XX (05:43 AM) :
it's a great and terrible film
XX (05:44 AM) :
olivia will want to eat soon. I hope the movie isn't on a bad part when I have to round the living room to go upstairs.
XX (05:45 AM) :
god. *giggles* It's totally black beyond this screen. I just looked to my right where there is a view through the kitchen and out a window into the back garden and it was completely black. whimpers.
XX (05:45 AM) :
I can only look to the light. *ggls* fuck which just makes it more black.
XX (05:45 AM) :
Oh no daylight savings time
XX (05:46 AM) :
I could be stuck here.
XX (05:46 AM) :
oh sure olivia quiets down. I could have used her as beacon. I would rush to my baby through black.
XX (05:47 AM) :
and film.
XX (05:47 AM) :
and the film has very backcrawling sound effects.
XX (05:47 AM) :
I wonder if I am very quiet if I'll hear some.
XX (05:48 AM) :
honey, I chanced a look, it's still black.
XX (05:48 AM) :
oh, I am so gonna scream.
Me in the night kiss,
XX
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(15 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 9th, 2005
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7:27 am - It's not that I'm afraid to die...
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Thinking over my recent entries and other assorted events, it occurs to me my fears are long-term and don't usually apply to the moment. It is both dumb as hell- my fear of a happening in my possible future may in fact bring about the act into truth. Most likely it won't happen at all. A fear gives me a chance to prevent. I can keep in mind and take action to avoid. Every time I walk stairs with Olivia in my mind we fall and I walk extra carefully. Everytime we walk out past the school bus to cross the street Chloe is hit by a car and I hold her back until I see if it is clear. Many of my fears seem to relate to insecurity, safety. Fright flight fight, is it genetic or character flaw? I chose "character flaw" because it is common belief fear holds you back. It is hard to argue though I tend to be fond of many things people attempt to reduce in their lives. (A-hem so called loser qualities)That said, I do through fear all the time.
I notice as parent some things you think are mostly environment bred are traits you are born with. A mixture surely, but sometimes environment doesn't matter as much as I thought. You might be mostly the way you are even if what happened to you through your life didn't. A-hem.
Do you think this is true? Everything you do is triggered by an emotion of either desire or fear.
We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears.
--Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
I fear and I don't fear, sometimes both at once. Is this how it is for you? Are you braver than me? I still run through darkness (and I do enjoy it, I do like being scared in some ways). My imagination is vivid, especially if given freedom, like in the late hours of the night, almost morning, and the bats scrabble the walls as I pass (absolute truth, I live in a house with returning bats).
What do you fear? Don't say, more bloody pictures, *ggls* because they're coming, baby, no need to be afraid.
I just don't want to be there when it happens kiss,
XX
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 8th, 2005
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11:49 am - A yummy, generous offer...
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7:21 am - I thought I was going to stab my husband...
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| Thursday, April 7th, 2005
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12:50 pm - It is rainy...
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I remember crushing on this girl who went to the public school on my way to catholic school. She was thin and had a dove grey coat. I admired her solitude. She seemed to be completely inside herself. Eventually, I found out her name was Caroline. Some people told me she was picked on at school, not pretty(Um what? she was lovely), social or smart enough... I sort of imagined having her then. She will not be able to say no to me if she hasn't anyone else was my vague thought... I didn't mean to sexxor her or kiss only walk with her to school.
Some time later we met, we walked to school, it wasn't as good when she talked to me. She was better in my head.
I soon dropped her, I don't even remember if we said good-bye or if I changed routes to school. She is a wisp in my life.
and so I remember kiss,
XX
PS< Tell me a memory? interesting things often stick with people.
PPS< No one wants to share with me? For fuck's sake, don't you people realise some people have no one to listen to them? Do you know the cost of paying someone to listen to your stories? *ggls* Obviously I need some friends a leeeeetle more desperate for company than you lot!
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(31 comments | comment on this)
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11:20 am - A beautiful girl...
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Beauty and me, me and beauty, she’s a girl I can’t get over. When I kiss girls I like them to be pretty. I have turned down so many girls I could be boy-metro. For me, I want to be loved in all my ugliness. Let me display to you my every blemish and if you kiss me after I’ll lick your lips.
I remember mercy kissing one of my best friends at guide camp. Her name was Pamela and she wasn’t extra-pretty. A girl from another company, Missy, seduced me and introduced me to tongue. My previous kissing-girls and I hadn’t done that. Missy did and I did back and we slept in a winter cabin, sharing a bunk in the cold Halliburton winter long weekend get-a-way. Pamela. I owed Pamela esteem. She came to me and asked why I didn’t kiss her. So I did. I did it because I couldn’t hurt her. Then I slid my tongue past her lips and into her mouth.
*ggls* oh my fucking god. Little, catholic Pamela lost it. It went something like this—recoil, horror, disgust—“you’re disgusting.” I was taken aback for a second… and then I realized my fortune and went off to find Missy.
I met Missy again, at a fire station badge earning seminar- our troops occasionally did things together- and she came over to me and we sat together and held hands under our jackets and whispered. Pamela and Rachel cornered me after—“”Whenever Missy is around all you ever do is be with her.” Accuse. Accuse. What could I say? I agreed. Then I left a bit of silence before I relented and added, “But I don’t see her as much as you guys.”
So, yes, I like pretty girls…
And all girls aren’t pretty. It is a fact, there are degrees of loveliness and in such a beauty-oriented culture it is crushing to feel unwanted. We all do sometimes. I am bothered by the pressure to live up to an ideal put into my head in order to make me buy stuff.
It isn’t that I don’t think I am nice looking or valuable. I do. I have a tremendous ego. I have been well loved. I am. I am also aware; I am stately at my best rather than beautiful. But that’s okay, beauty fades. Some of us will age well, most of us won’t. I am insecure regarding getting old as I had such a wonderful time being wanted and admired. It is a comfort, then, to be stately as it may last through geriatrics.
I am preparing myself to be over-looked as a sexual object by strangers (in decades, I mean DECADES ggl). I have every confidence in my seductive abilities. I have a charm, I can converse, I can fuck, but you don’t know that at first.
I ramble incoherent but I have personal points.
I will not be caught desolate or measure my worth by heads turning to check me out because they won’t always (so I have made the vow before, so I will make it again, there is value in repetition).
Well, some will.
And they will be my favourites.
Do I seem stoned to you?
*ggls*
I meant this to be a barely understood string of images but I didn’t mean to use so many words.
Can turn your world into dust kiss,
XX
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(36 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
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4:47 am - Life is pain, Highness...
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It's been a long time since I've written here, I've been having other conversations- baby talk and sweet-surrender upheavals and "Mom, my baby toe hurts and you aren't even sad!" I do giggle.
The saving grace of the thin skinned xx is things pass through. I do feel pain inside me coming into contact with life, but if i do something if i can it does ease a little. At Christmas, we sent off money to gift a family with rabbits to eat and breed and sell. The gesture so small in the huge of poverty as to be hopeless, except to one family, even if only for a short while.
Just when I was beginning to see the light of the protective shells we build around ourselves, removing, applying distance, increasing space, I was reminded by a friend of mine about the rabbits. If I hadn't felt an ache the donation wouldn't have been sent. One small example of- The pain is worth it. To really live in pleasure, to experience joy, you receive pain. It is worth the cry of coming close yp living in oder to be gifted with a smile. I love you my sweetest ones.
You think this happens every day kiss,
XX
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 28th, 2005
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4:44 am - Just real quick as I am trying to "get my act together"...
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Thanks to versengtemasse I woke up in the middle of the night to good news. I'm sure you know but as I made a couple of posts on the topic I need to say,
The Rapists are going to j-a-i-l... hahaha I saw pictures of you crying, you badass rich bastards.
The defense lawyers are going to answer one day for the shit they pulled, a scrap of the closing argument, "Her rump is so big you couldn’t tell [how far the defendants plunged the pool stick into her anus]. . . ."
she weighed 125 pounds as if it matters. I am shocked by this inclusion, I would like to see the lawyers on trial.
I was very hurt by this case. To let the men off would be permission to do whatever to women, unconscious women even. I know it is a message in media in various ways (sixteen candles HELLO) and that is bad enough but once into the court system it is real life (ish).
So yeah, as the prosecution said, the verdict ends open season on women.
Yeah you rich little bastards are so so so pretty, I'm sure -all- the boys in lockup will notice your innocence kiss,
XX
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
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2:10 pm - This can't be the end...
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Winter lasts longer than I can bear
and so, because you make me smile all the time, I present,
LORI RAWK CHICK HAIR
A
and
B
Still loving you baby kiss,
XX
PS< All my pictures are disappearing. I'm using flickr- anyone know why? They are still on their site but not showing here.
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(24 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, March 18th, 2005
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1:39 pm - So you guys probably know...
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But I didn't see many entries so I'll make mine. Remember that 16 year old girl gang-raped and spat on and written on and fucked in horrific ways while unconscious? Remember prosecutors had recorded evidence of the assault? Remember she was brave enough to take on her rich rapist?
Well at least one jackass psycho got off. There are details over at fengi you may have to scroll down. It hurts too much for me to touch it.
*****
John's mother is out of intensive care and into critical care, the doctors think she'll be moved to a regular room soon and then home. Approximately three weeks hospital care for an overnight surgery. I am so glad we don't have to do without her.
*****
I had a little entry planned on shyness, but my heart does hurt for the girl and other girls and boys so I will go hang with my baby-daughter for awhile and catch you later.
Eat the rich kiss,
XX
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 13th, 2005
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9:25 am - An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist...
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John's mother has been in intensive care since the 3rd of March. There is some good news, they've taken out her throat tube and now she is breathing oxygen through nose prongs.
She wants to be thin.
The combination of diabetes and smoking left her a liposuction risk. She quit smoking to be cut open and reshaped. She might die.
*~~*~~*~~
and I flip through tv and see america's next model being told to shave 3 inches off her narrow hips. Her bones aren't forming small enough curves, so her flesh needs to be starved off her body. She's had an eating disorder before but intends to get rid of her flab.
*~~*~~*~~
Kirstie Alley is taking back the night?
*~~*~~*~~
And my little girl asks me if she is fat.
Some things make you cry and some make you scream and some hurt so deeply you can't make a sound.
Girls who fuck die first kiss,
XX
PS< I am very tired.
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(34 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, February 21st, 2005
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10:26 am - I fed chocolate to my mouth...
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Valentine's Day Week is my red-favourite holiday season. The tidings are a gluttony of my lush pleasures, love, sex, chocolate, scent, softness, and indulgence. God. *ggls* It's the morning after.
I read all of you and didn't comment because I'm a
baby tender girl kiss,
XX
PS< Grammar can be a smidge fun.
PPS< Okay, so, obviously, I'm commenting now that I have a minute. *smirky half-smile* Things change just that fast in my les enfants world.
PPPS< Bloody hell. The baby awakes. I swear it is about 5 minutes time difference between this PS< and last.
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